Are You Afraid of Being Lonely?
Two weeks can change the course of everything. Things can fall apart come back together again-to subsequently fall back apart again. Sometimes it is temporary and sometimes it is irreparable. You never know which one it’ll be until you emerge on the other side. In my case, the past two weeks have been liberating and I would not necessarily say that things fell apart in a bad way in my life- things just fell apart and dropped off out of my life because they needed to. Some people, events, status’, things in your life are only ever meant to be temporary and while they are great while they last, they do come with an expiration date.
This point hit home today when I was invited to go to this Senior Thesis Art Showcase by all of my friends from way back when I used to be an art major. I had modeled for one of the pieces so of course I was excited to go. Trouble was- none of my friends were available to go with me. Bummer right? So I moped around my apartment hitting up everyone in my contacts list. Please, please let someone be available because this would be such a dope event to go to, was my personal mantra as I blew through my contacts. No one was available. It is finals season after all. Somehow in my mind no one being available prompted me to decide not to go.
Thirty minutes later, I’m sprawled across my couch with a jar of homemade caramel and apples perusing the internet. In this semi-hazed pathetic state I see that (I am going to tell you this in all honesty, please don’t judge. We all have our weaknesses after all) the Art Showcase comes included with complimentary drinks and dessert. I am up off that couch and in a flurry of getting ready before I even finish the sentence. I think I may have shocked all of my flat mates with my sudden spastic mission to get ready to go out.
Long story short; I waited too long to go to the Showcase because by the time I got there, a full 15 minutes before the show was supposed to end mind you, the gallery was dark and the doors locked. Damn. I stood at the door pawing at it like when a house pet accidentally gets locked outside. Please let me in. But it didn’t make a difference. Everyone was gone and I was on my own. So of course what do I do? I call one more friend on my contact list who I had forgotten to hit up before.
Me: “Hey Girl! Whatchu up to right now?”
Her: “Hey, I’m at the library tryin’ to write this paper. You?”
Me: Damn “Oh nothing, just wanted to see if you were down to go to this art thing downtown.” (Woops, forgot to mention there was a part two to the Art Showcase. It was located at a different venue though).
Her: “Man, I wish but I gotta get this paper done. Hit me up next time though.”
Me: “Okay cool. See you later!” Smile and figure out a new plan.
This new plan entailed me spending 10 minutes at an intersection debating between turning left (to go home) or right (to go to the Art Show). Shout out to all the people stuck behind me on the corner of 12th and High at around 6:15 this past evening. I truly apologize for my indecisiveness. But why was making this decision so hard? I really wanted to go, see some cool art, and hang out with friends I hadn’t seen in a long while. Oh right- it’s because I don’t have my entourage to support me. It was at that moment when I realized my priorities needed to shift. I spend my life perpetually surrounding myself with people. When I’m alone I either call someone or go out and find someone to hang out with. It’s as if I’m afraid to be alone with myself. Honestly, this makes no sense. I don’t bite…right?
I spend the next hour in my car circling the gallery trying to find a parking spot. No success. But it gave me time to consider myself and my priorities. I need to learn how to have fun with myself. I don’t always need people around to have a good time. That safety net has reached its usefulness and now needs to be retired. I should have realized this especially given the events of the past 2 weeks (maybe I’ll tell y’all that story later). It’s not to say that I don’t love my friends. I absolutely adore them I just need to grow up and get a life and realize that I don’t need to be surrounded by them at all times. So I have this entire summer to work on essentially ‘dating myself.’ This is somewhat of a summer project.
Now I want to pose the question to you; have you ever found yourself afraid to spend time with yourself, by yourself?
Hit me up below with your thoughts!